Posted: 09 Oct 2011 06:17 AM PDT
The Onion boldly goes where many fear to tread:
“Truth is, with the environment the way it is, we’re not even sure what kind of landmasses we’re going to be looking at in the next couple centuries,” the statement by humanity read.
PLANET EARTH—Facing what it called “a lot of uncertainty” on all six inhabited continents, the global civilization of the species Homo sapiens released a statement Monday announcing it would be “just sort of holding off on the idea of having any more kids for the time being.”
“Having children can be a wonderful thing, but to be honest, we’ve got our hands pretty full right now as it is,” the statement, issued by the entirety of the human race, read in part. “While there’s nothing quite like seeing the world anew through the eyes of a child, maybe it’s best to give it a few years. See what things look like a few years down the road. We’ve got a lot on our plate, and let’s be realistic: Another couple billion children might not be the best idea at this point.”
“It’s not necessarily a permanent decision,” the statement continued. “We just want to take it slow for now until things are a bit more stable, you know?”
The statement went on to say that, while human civilization is disappointed in some ways about postponing additional childbirths, especially given the fact that all kids are very special and provide a great source of joy, the species agreed that, overall, this decision was for the best.
“Now is our chance to get around to some of those things we had to put on the back burner because of kids,” read another section of the carefully worded statement. “You know how we’ve been meaning to figure out how to keep the international food-distribution system in place and functioning after the nonrenewable fossil fuels run out? Or make sure that enough rain forests remain to keep oxygen in the atmosphere? Or just basically set aside more ‘us’ time in general?”
Human society added that there was already barely enough time in the day to raise its children while also ensuring basic human rights for the existing population, averting a potential collapse of the international monetary system, and finally getting around to its oft-procrastinated goal of solving the massive climate-change crisis before lots and lots of people die.
“Truth is, with the environment the way it is, we’re not even sure what kind of landmasses we’re going to be looking at in the next couple centuries,” the statement read. “It might actually be a little irresponsible to have more kids now, given the threat of a general collapse into a tribal-barbarian-type second Dark Ages. That wouldn’t be fair to us or the kids.”
The historic announcement marks a sharp reversal on the part of the human race with regard to its family-planning policy in past epochs. Since first evolving from such earlier hominids as Homo erectus and Australopithecus and emerging from the African veld more than 20 million years ago, humanity has made having children a central part of its goals for the future, even while it simultaneously juggled its long-standing career objective of becoming a mature and culturally interdependent global entity.
Representatives of the species spoke to reporters following the announcement, echoing its sentiments.
“The sum totality of human existence would love to see more little ones running around the planet just as much as the next life form, but there are practicalities to consider,” said Mbume Mbigway, 29, of Somalia. “I mean, a lot of us still don’t even have running water or, you know, anything to eat. Stuff like that is important if you plan on raising a family.”
“Maybe in a few decades,” Mbigway added. “We’ll talk about it.
– The Onion
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