Via Keep Portland Weird \\\ 🦫 OREGON DECLINES TO ATTEND AMERICA'S BIRTHDAY PARTY, CITES SHIPPING COSTS AND VIBES 🦫
OREGON DECLINES TO ATTEND AMERICA'S BIRTHDAY PARTY, CITES SHIPPING COSTS AND VIBES PORTLAND, OR — In a stunning display of fiscal responsibility wrapped in a tortilla of mild national embarrassment, the State of Oregon confirmed this week it will not be participating in the federal "Great American State Fair," a two-week celebration of America's 250th birthday taking place on the National Mall.
According to a statement from Governor Tina Kotek's office, the decision came down to roughly $70,000 in shipping costs and a vague but growing sense that the party was about to get weird. Sources say Oregon's exhibit — three jars of artisanal jam, a "Welcome to Oregon, Population: It's Complicated" sign, and a single, very tired Sasquatch costume — was deemed "not worth the freight."
Oregon joins Washington, Massachusetts, Illinois, North Carolina, and Connecticut in skipping the celebration, a coalition political scientists are reportedly calling "The Pavilion of Misfit States" and which Oregon insists is actually called "having a budget."
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"We're Not NOT Celebrating America. We're Just Celebrating It... Elsewhere. Quietly. In a Forest."A spokesperson for the Governor was quick to clarify that Oregon still loves America — it's just that this *particular* America felt a little extra. Officials raised concerns that the D.C. event was shaping up to be a more partisan affair than originally advertised, which in Oregon translates roughly to: "We saw who was going to be there and remembered we have a hike to do."
Several musical acts have already dropped out of the festivities, and President Trump himself is now slated to headline the kickoff event — a lineup change that reportedly caused at least one Oregon state employee to mutter "yeah, no" while refilling their kombucha.
Meanwhile, the Governor's office drew a sharp distinction between this event and "America 250," the separate, nonpartisan group also organizing 250th anniversary festivities nationwide — because in Oregon, nothing says "patriotism" quite like forming a subcommittee to clarify which patriotism you mean.
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In Lieu of a Pavilion, Oregon Will Be Represented By:- One (1) Powell's Books employee silently judging tourists from a folding table
- A flannel draped over a chair, representing "the workforce"
- A QR code linking to a 45-minute podcast about land use policy
- Bigfoot, who has agreed to appear but only if no one asks him for ID
A spokesperson for Freedom 250 told reporters that all 50 states will still be represented somehow, possibly through interpretive dance, possibly through a hastily assembled diorama built by a museum in Peoria that has, at this point, more states under its jurisdiction than the federal government.
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Oregonians React"Honestly? I forgot it was America's birthday," said one Portland resident, adjusting their bike basket full of kale. "I thought the flyovers were just, like, more drones for the food carts."
A Salem strawberry farmer, reached for comment, said: "We've got our own 250-year celebration going. It's called the Strawberry Festival. It's been going since 1909. We had a giant cake before America had a Department of Defense. Checkmate."
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The Bottom LineOregon isn't skipping America's birthday because it doesn't love America. Oregon is skipping America's birthday because the RSVP card had a partisan dress code, the shipping quote came back insane, and frankly, the woods were calling.
Happy almost-250th, America. Oregon will see you at the next one — assuming someone else pays for shipping. 
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This post is satire. No actual laws were signed, no flags were banned, and Bigfoot remains, as always, unavailable for verification.
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